A View from Islington North

Full script:
HOW TO GET AHEAD IN POLITICS
by Stella Feehily

Stella Feehily’s short play was included in A View From Islington North – five short political satires which played at the Arts Theatre, West End, from 18 May to 2 July 2016.В 

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HOW TO GET AHEAD IN POLITICS
by Stella Feehily

 

The Chief WhipвҖҷs office.

The Chief Whip is at his desk. HeвҖҷs talking to his assistant, Giles.

CWВ В В В В There is a relatively small window in which to rise through the party ranks. Miss it, Giles, and youвҖҷre fucked. YouвҖҷve got to make your mark or face a backbench career where your only power lies in rebellion. That is where I come in вҖ“ the black arts of whipping – B,B,B and LTP

GilesВ В В WhatвҖҷs that, sir?

CWВ В В В В Bullying, blackmail, bribery and leaks to the press.

GilesВ В В Enoch Powell said that a Parliament without Whips would be like a city without a sewer.

CWВ В В В В So he did. Well, itвҖҷs a dirty job but someoneвҖҷs got to enjoy it.

GilesВ В В Mr. Corbyn voted more than five hundred times against the Labour whip since 1997.

CWВ В В В В That doesnвҖҷt make him powerful, Giles, it simply makes him a rebellious crypto- communist.

A knock at the door. Giles goes to check.

GilesВ В В The Right Honourable member for Bury St Edmunds has arrived.

CWВ В В В В Right. LetвҖҷs start the day on a low.

Bring me Miss KhanвҖҷs dossier.

Giles exits and the MP enters.

CW becomes preoccupied with his computer and starts typing. The MP stands waiting.

CWВ В В В В Take a seat. I wonвҖҷt keep you.

MPВ В В В В Ok, your starter for ten вҖ“ who said that we should shoot public sector strikers in В front of their families?

CWВ В В В В Iain Duncan Smith?

MPВ В В В В Who said the BBC Corporation Executives were fucking bastards?

CWВ В В В В That could be any number of people. David Cameron?

MPВ В В В В What was the fastest growing petition in the last decade?

CWВ В В В В Jeremy Clarkson. All answers are Jeremy Clarkson.

The MP throws down a copy of The Daily Telegraph.

MPВ В В В В A quiz in todayвҖҷs Telegraph. DidnвҖҷt you see it?

CWВ В В В В I was more interested in the North Norfolk By-Election analysis. DidnвҖҷt you see В it?

MPВ В В В В Yes, I did.

Giles re-enters with the file.

CWВ В В В В Thank you Giles.

The MP watches Giles exit. CW stops working on his computer.

CWВ В В В В One day to go and weвҖҷre ahead in the polls.

MPВ В В В В And we know how accurate polls are.

CWВ В В В В Yes, yes, but your man, Frank Miller is still doing remarkably well. We were particularly impressed when he publicly challenged Corbyn on Trident last week. Devastatingly persuasive.

MPВ В В В В The first Ashcroft Poll and the second Survation Poll put us ahead but the second Ashcroft and the first Survation Poll puts the Lib Dems ahead.

CWВ В В В В Yes, and the GypsyвҖҷs tealeaves put UKIP ahead.

MPВ В В В В A straight averaging of the five polls give the Lib Dems a one-point lead.В And itвҖҷs been a Lib Dem safe seat since 2000whatever

CWВ В В В В There is no such thing as a safe Lib Dem seat anymore.В You do look awfully tired, Alwyn.

MPВ В В В В Sometimes I wish I were Philip Hammond. DonвҖҷt you? HeвҖҷs so implacable- like В a вҖ“ a

CWВ В В В В An Undertaker? (The CW assumes a blank face for all impersonations.) Philip Hammond happy, Philip Hammond sad, Philip Hammond hysterical.В No. I donвҖҷt wish I were Philip Hammond.

MP В В В В  Is that a bottle of Glenfiddich?

CWВ В В В В Have some coffee?

MPВ В В В Look. IвҖҷve a car waiting to take me to the station. Meeting the great and good of the Constituency Association and I mustnвҖҷt be late. ItвҖҷs mainly a large group of frightening women.

CWВ В В В Well, thatвҖҷs Bury St Edmunds for you.

MPВ В В В В WeвҖҷre travelling by coach to FrankвҖҷs final meeting in Cromer tonight.

CWВ В В В В WeвҖҷre aware of that. The PM asked me to have a word.

MPВ В В В В Hm? Has Frank been shooting his mouth off about cuts to the military again?В Well, I canвҖҷt say I disagree with him.

CWВ В В В В YouвҖҷve been quite clear about that from the backbench.

MPВ В В В В ItвҖҷs the rebel heart in me.

CWВ В В В В YouвҖҷre one of FrankвҖҷs oldest friends. You pushed his candidacy.В WeвҖҷre cautiously hopeful that heвҖҷll take North Norfolk.

MPВ В В В В Yes, well, the public do love a decorated former army officer.

CWВ В В В В ItвҖҷs not just that. Mr Miller is already a significant figure in local government- the public seem to trust him and believe that he cares about their problems.

MPВ В В В В They believe he has the cojones to do something about them.

CWВ В В В В Quite. However-

MPВ В В В В However?

CWВ В В В В A young woman is threatening to go to the aforementioned Telegraph.

МРВ В В В В Yes?

CWВ В В В В With a story about him.

МРВ В В В В –

СWВ В В В В –

MPВ В В В В Sorry, whatвҖҷs this to do with me?

CWВ В В В В There are rumours about Frank.

MPВ В В В В Can I help myself?

CWВ В В В В Of course.

МРВ В В В В(He pours a drink) Since when have you listened to rumours? Rumour has it that the palace of Westminster is heaving with paedophiles and the criminally insane.

CWВ В В В В Frank Miller. He is your friend.

MPВ В В В В I have many friends. And in Westminster I have friends on both sides of the House. Frank is one of many friends.

CWВ В В В В His attitude towards women вҖ“ could be called-

MPВ В В В В Old fashioned? Macho?

CWВ В В В В Antediluvian. Bullying. (He picks up a medium sized file and draws out a document. And this is a list of memorably offensive quotes from Frank Miller. (Reading from a document) Look at the knockers on that. Great arse. Look at those Pork Chops-

MPВ В В В В Pork Chops?

CWВ В В В В Use your imagination, Alwyn. I have.В (Continuing to read)В I can see your creamy medallions.

MPВ В В В В Sounds like a private conversation to me.

CWВ В В В В Bit of screamer, are you?

MPВ В В В В His language can be quite robust at times.

CWВ В В В В My cock feels full at the thought of you.

МРВ В В В В What?

CWВ В В В В His Christmas card to Miss Khan.В Did you ever warn him about talking like that?

MPВ В В В В HeвҖҷs got an MC. HeвҖҷs served in Iraq. Afghanistan.

CWВ В В В В Do you recall Miss Khan, Mr MillerвҖҷs former campaign assistant?

MPВ В В В В I donвҖҷt think so.

CWВ В В В В She says she knows you.

MPВ В В В В Perhaps I do remember her, yes.В Has laughing at a joke become an offence?

CWВ В В В В What joke?

MPВ В В В В I may have heard Frank pass remarking on Miss KhanвҖҷs –

CWВ В В В В вҖҳCreamy medallionsвҖҷ

MPВ В В В В She is part Asian.

CWВ В В В В Jesus, God. Alwyn.

MPВ В В В В Are we talking about a sense of humour bypass?В Yes, itвҖҷs very male world and of course thereвҖҷs aggression- but the days of institutionalised sexism are long gone. I have personally championed women in the house. Crikey these girls will never get ahead in politics if they play the victim.

CWВ В В В В What kind of message would this send to our female voters? This at a time when we are supposed to be reaching out to the BME community.

MPВ В В В В But what has it to do with me?

CWВ В В В В IвҖҷm getting to that.В Did you ever see Mr. Miller touch Miss Khan?

МРВ В В В В No.

CWВ В В В В Grope or goose her?

МРВ В В В В No.

CWВ В В В В Grapple or grip her?

МРВ В В В В No

CWВ В В В В Chase her around a drinks table at the party conference?

MPВ В В В В Which Party Conference?

СWВ В В В В (Reading from the file) Tuesday, 6^thof October. 2015.В Tory Reform Group. The Midland Hotel. Petersfield Suite. PresidentвҖҷs Midnight Reception with Ken Clarke.В Ringing any bells? (He refers to a letter.)

MPВ В В В В It was months ago.

CWВ В В В В It was about 3 am. The room had cleared but for you, Miss Khan, Mr Miller and the Right Honourable member for Bedfordshire North East who was dead drunk asleep in a corner. Miss Khan wore a long black skirt, which got torn in the course of the evening.

MPВ В В В В Perhaps he trotted.

CWВ В В В В What in fucks name do you mean?

MPВ В В В В There was drink taken.В You know as well as anyone that politics is about power and sex and add alcohol and the atmosphere can become heady.

CWВ В В В В WasnвҖҷt she trying to escape him?

MPВ В В В В Not that I can recall.

CWВ В В В В Miss Khan is an attractive, physically slight, twenty-eight year old.В Are you suggesting that she encouraged the fifty-year old war veteran to вҖҳtrotвҖҷ after her around the drinks table?

MPВ В В В В They were certainly fooling about.

CWВ В В В В Did you see Mr Miller thrust his hand up Miss KhanвҖҷs skirt?В Did you hear him saying, вҖңletвҖҷs see if youвҖҷre as wet as you look?вҖқ

MPВ В В В В No. No, I didnвҖҷt.

CWВ В В В В She said, she screamed. You were there, Alwyn.В You must have heard her screaming?

МРВ В В В В No. No.

– He gets up and pours another drink. В  В  В  В  В 

MPВ В В В В I might have heard a squeal.

CWВ В В В В Not a scream?

MPВ В В В В Please. I know the difference.В To be honest I barely remember Birmingham.

CWВ В В В В Scotland Yard are still sniffing around a number of sleaze and bullying allegations.В If she goes public you will have to co-operate. There will be no escape.

MPВ В В В В Christ.

CWВ В В В В Tell me what you remember?

MPВ В В В В I have nothing much further to add.

CWВ В В В В Miss Khan asked you to report the incident over eight months year ago. Why did you fail to do so? Were you just pissed out of your mind for the entirety of the В В В В В В В В В В В conference or were you protecting Frank?

MPВ В В В В We were in the Coldstreams together.

CWВ В В В В I know you were in the fucking Coldstreams together.В Protecting a friend is a noble act, Alwyn but exposing the party is unforgivable.В How about adding that you hid Mr. MillerвҖҷs history from us?В Five reports of sexual harassment in the army?

MPВ В В В В Uncorroborated. Uncorroborated

CWВ В В В В Corroborated, uncorroborated. The press wonвҖҷt give a flying fuck about that – and then there are separate complaints of bullying and intimidation? For GodвҖҷs sake-there are photographs of the PM hugging this fucker only last week. I can just see the headlines in the Mirror- Sex Pest Tory and the PM.

MPВ В В В В CanвҖҷt we give Miss Khan a sweetener?

CWВ В В В В She wants to be an MP.

MPВ В В В В YouвҖҷre joking.

СWВ В В В В No.

MPВ В В В В YouвҖҷve spoken to her? Made a deal?В IвҖҷm not getting involved in this.

CWВ В В В В You are involved in this.

MPВ В В В В Tokenism is insulting to women- and men.

CWВ В В В В Miss Khan got a double first in economics and politics at Cambridge.В First generation University Student.В A leading light in the Cambridge University Conservative Society.В We are going to groom her вҖ“

MPВ В В В В Unfortunate turn of phrase-

CWВ В В В В And then she will be put forward for constituency selection.

MPВ В В В В Excellent. What constituency?

СWВ В В В В Yours.

МРВ В В В В What?

CWВ В В В В Well, we can hardly unseat the war hero, can we?

MPВ В В В В He hasnвҖҷt been elected yet.

CWВ В В В В The public believe that he understands their problems and has the cajones to do something about them but if heвҖҷs not elected – that is one problem solved.

MPВ В В В В But sheвҖҷs Asian. ItвҖҷs Bury St Edmunds.

CWВ В В В В She doesnвҖҷt look or sound too different. SheвҖҷs the right kind of Tory

MPВ В В В В You have the civil machine at your fingertips. You could stop this story.

CWВ В В В В Yes-like I stopped your drink driving charge. The thing is, Alwyn, youвҖҷre a liability in a safe seat. You lobbied hard for the selection of Frank Miller- a man we now have to watch day and night to make sure he is not putting his cock in the hands of the electorate. Your interventions from the backbench are beyond tedious- so no, weвҖҷre screwing your arse to the ground on this one. The buck stops right here- with you.

MPВ В В В В IвҖҷve given the party twenty-five years of my life.

CWВ В В В В We trusted your word, Alwyn.В Institutions collapse when trust shatters.В YouвҖҷll step down after a year in office. Announce your resignation because you В В В have a вҖҳhealth problemвҖҷ.

MPВ В В В В Please, donвҖҷt do this. The party is everything to me.

CWВ В В В В IвҖҷm just the clean up man, Alwyn.

MPВ В В В В But what am I going to do? I canвҖҷt do anything else. What will my role be?

CWВ В В В В The Prime Minister is keen that you should have the best possible medical care В В В to help you with your addiction. Whatever you need.

The MP picks up the bottle of Glenfiddich.

MPВ В В В В So-I am to be pushed from my stool. God, I remember when I was first elected to Bury St Edmunds – was it 1992- Seems so-

СWВ В В В В(Interrupting.) Good luck with the Constituency association. (Shaking hands)

MPВ В В В В Good luck to us all.

CWВ В В В В And for GodвҖҷs sake keep the women of Bury St Edmunds at a safe distance from Mr. Miller.

The MP makes to leave with the bottle.

CWВ В В В В Could you put the Glenfiddich back?

MPВ В В В В Could you fuck off!

The MP exits.В Giles re-enters.

GilesВ В В В How did it go?

CWВ В В В В He has a total inability to feel shame вҖ“ a trait both reprehensible and useful in a political career.В IвҖҷm afraid that while politics attracts those with ideas, passion, honesty В В В В В В В В В В В В В В В and integrity- it also has a magnetic pull for the inept, the sexually deviant, the В corrupt and the venal. I do hope this doesnвҖҷt put you off?

GilesВ В В Not at all, Sir. Absolutely not.

CWВ В В В В Take a letter.

Giles takes dictation.

Dear Miss Khan,В I am writing to assure you that your complaint has been forwarded to the very highest level and will be dealt with scrupulously – scrub that- will be examined thoroughly. The Conservative party takes allegations of this nature extremely seriously. (CW dumps the dossier.) Please accept my sincere apologies for the delay in dealing with this issue.В On a completely unrelated matter I forwarded your name to the Parliamentary assessment board and am pleased to confirm that you have been selected for the approved list. The Conservative Party takes the under representation of women in Parliament very seriously and we are keen to support your admirable ambition.В I believe we can work together to demonstrate our belief in equality of opportunity, our commitment to social justice and to affirm that we can be warriors for the dispossessed.В Etc, etc and let me see it before you send it.

GilesВ В В В В Of course, sir, and on behalf of the team, may I just say, weвҖҷre all feeling jolly optimistic about the By-Election. WeвҖҷre sort of unstoppable, arenвҖҷt we?

CWВ В В В В Thank you, Giles. I think youвҖҷre sort of right.В I do hope you are free for dinner this evening

END

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HOW TO GET AHEAD IN POLITICS © 2015 by Stella Feehily.
HowВ toВ GetВ AheadВ inВ PoliticsВ wasВ commissionedВ byВ ArdentВ Theatre CompanyВ andВ firstВ performedВ onВ FridayВ 8thВ MayВ 2015.
All rights whatsoever in this play are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. must be made to Casarotto Ramsay & Associates Limited, 7-12 Noel Street, London W1F 8GQ ([email protected]). No performance of the play may be given unless a licence has been obtained prior to rehearsal.

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